I was recently on a friend's facebook page and noticed a troll (who apparently added them just to write horrible things on their page) commenting on any post that mentioned another mutual friend. Now this troll was telling the person that our mutual friend never liked them, and basically just stirring up trouble. This all came out of nowhere, and while I doubt its validity, it made me think of the times our "friends" get involved in situations that really don't involve them.
A while ago I was having issues with a friend and a "mutual friend" of ours thought it would be best to intervene. Now depending on the circumstances, I can understand people trying to resolve tension between two of their friends. For example, if you live with, work with, see them everyday, their issues eventually become yours; you're caught in the middle because you have to witness their avoidance of one another or, their curtness whenever they interact. However this was not the case with the original friend. Initially our communication was limited at best and just became less so. I'm sure if one of us was brought up in the conversation, we didn't exactly giving glowing reviews of the other.
The thing is neither of us wanted her to interfere, and she ultimately ended up causing more problems between us. I think the main thing is she didn't really know who either of us were individually or as friends. She formed her own impression of how she thought things should be or how they were. It is possible that she wanted some part in the glory of "reuniting" us. But people who do that aren't really friends.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
When it's over...
I was looking through my Myspace blog last week when I came across this post from over a year ago.
Rock Steady
It's never gonna last
It's never gonna make it back alive
So now can we relax?
I really hope that we will actually survive
I should be used to things popping up when I need them to, like this song. The first 3 lines describe how I feel about a certain issue with a friend. I use the term friend loosely as I haven't seen her for 2.5 years and our communication has been limited, until recently when drama involving the both of us emerged. At the moment I feel that perhaps it isn't worth trying to work things out. Maybe some day down the line, once things have settled we'll be able to salvage things or start a new friendship really. But I feel like we both don't really want to make the effort and given circumstances that maybe it would be best if we don't. I'm not saying cutting ties completely, but why try to create a facade that suggests everything is ok? Why try to sweep something under the rug when you know it will still be there waiting for an inopportune time to emerge?
The only option is to rebuild what's left and not try to hide all that's wrong. I don't think either of us is in a situation to start rebuilding things. So the acknowledgment that things are on hold and that our friendship as it was is indeed over would I think be the best thing to do. Then maybe we could "relax".
I've been debating how I feel about the last line. I do think in our own ways we will "survive" this. I can't deny anything that has happened, so that will not be my route, nor would it be my choice if I had it. Lesson learned and now it's time to move on. I'm not sure what she will do. I've been asking myself do I want any remnant of what we once had to survive so that perhaps one day we can be friends. The truth is, I'm not sure. I suppose only time will tell.
It's funny to look at it now and know how things ended. Once upon a time there was a part of me that was really questioning letting this friendship go. Early in the friendship I had thought she had the potential to be a ride or die friend. But even back then there were signs that everything was about words and no follow through. Say what looks good in the situation, but never actually have someone's back. She's a fan girl kind of friend. If you're a fan of hers she'll be a fan of yours, and at the end of the day that's not really a friend. Friendships come with arguments and it's about pushing through those to get to a better place.
It's weird to be out of the situation and still be able to watch how she treats the people we're both connected to. The friends she's false with, the ones she doesn't appreciate. Ultimately the best decision was to let the friendship not survive.
Rock Steady
It's never gonna last
It's never gonna make it back alive
So now can we relax?
I really hope that we will actually survive
I should be used to things popping up when I need them to, like this song. The first 3 lines describe how I feel about a certain issue with a friend. I use the term friend loosely as I haven't seen her for 2.5 years and our communication has been limited, until recently when drama involving the both of us emerged. At the moment I feel that perhaps it isn't worth trying to work things out. Maybe some day down the line, once things have settled we'll be able to salvage things or start a new friendship really. But I feel like we both don't really want to make the effort and given circumstances that maybe it would be best if we don't. I'm not saying cutting ties completely, but why try to create a facade that suggests everything is ok? Why try to sweep something under the rug when you know it will still be there waiting for an inopportune time to emerge?
The only option is to rebuild what's left and not try to hide all that's wrong. I don't think either of us is in a situation to start rebuilding things. So the acknowledgment that things are on hold and that our friendship as it was is indeed over would I think be the best thing to do. Then maybe we could "relax".
I've been debating how I feel about the last line. I do think in our own ways we will "survive" this. I can't deny anything that has happened, so that will not be my route, nor would it be my choice if I had it. Lesson learned and now it's time to move on. I'm not sure what she will do. I've been asking myself do I want any remnant of what we once had to survive so that perhaps one day we can be friends. The truth is, I'm not sure. I suppose only time will tell.
It's funny to look at it now and know how things ended. Once upon a time there was a part of me that was really questioning letting this friendship go. Early in the friendship I had thought she had the potential to be a ride or die friend. But even back then there were signs that everything was about words and no follow through. Say what looks good in the situation, but never actually have someone's back. She's a fan girl kind of friend. If you're a fan of hers she'll be a fan of yours, and at the end of the day that's not really a friend. Friendships come with arguments and it's about pushing through those to get to a better place.
It's weird to be out of the situation and still be able to watch how she treats the people we're both connected to. The friends she's false with, the ones she doesn't appreciate. Ultimately the best decision was to let the friendship not survive.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Pop Quiz!
Once upon a time, (or possibly twice) a facebook friend (ok, it was two friends) complained via their status about the quizzes their friends constantly posted to waste time. I pointed out on each occasion that the quizzes weren’t necessarily a symptom of procrastination, but maybe more about narcissism. That shut them up. Part of me likes to think it’s because if you have a facebook/myspace/bebo/lj/blog then you just might have to admit to yourself that you like to think that people care THAT much about you.
Let’s be honest the internet is a narcissist’s wet dream with various social networking sites, youtube, and of course the blog; and because everyone else is doing it, we can pretend that in reality it isn’t really all about us. Most people that you’re friends with on Facebook, don’t want to see you in your ill-fitting black spaghetti strap on various nights out. If your photos pop-up on our homepage, we’re probably wondering why you always wear black and badly tailored clothing (or maybe not). But I digress, this is all about quizzes invading the homepage and forcing people to learn all about us! Or, what we think we’re like anyway (which in some cases is very different from one another).
I am curious as to who takes the quizzes seriously though. One of my friends recently took one where the result stated they were empathetic, socially aware, and observant. I kept thinking, “ummm, no they aren’t!” While I embrace the “me, me, me” attitude, I say it should stop at thinking we’re way better than we actually are.
Let’s be honest the internet is a narcissist’s wet dream with various social networking sites, youtube, and of course the blog; and because everyone else is doing it, we can pretend that in reality it isn’t really all about us. Most people that you’re friends with on Facebook, don’t want to see you in your ill-fitting black spaghetti strap on various nights out. If your photos pop-up on our homepage, we’re probably wondering why you always wear black and badly tailored clothing (or maybe not). But I digress, this is all about quizzes invading the homepage and forcing people to learn all about us! Or, what we think we’re like anyway (which in some cases is very different from one another).
I am curious as to who takes the quizzes seriously though. One of my friends recently took one where the result stated they were empathetic, socially aware, and observant. I kept thinking, “ummm, no they aren’t!” While I embrace the “me, me, me” attitude, I say it should stop at thinking we’re way better than we actually are.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Come on over
A few nights ago, my friend and I were doing this mental exercise. I find it to be a motivational tool especially when I find myself floundering. The whole principle of the exercise is to help you figure out what you want out of life, where you want to be, etc.
It's starts off with the place you live in, the color of the walls, the things you have in each room.
One thing that I like to do is figure out who comes to visit me, who calls me, whether or not I live alone. I've started to wonder about how much this says about the people I value and who I feel values me.
Back home over the winter I got to see two of my friends who because of circumstance I am rarely able to get in contact with. However in each relationship we make the effort to find sometime to get together, whether it be for coffee, dinner, wandering around the mall...if there's a minute of time we'll find a way to squeeze the other in. When I am with them I feel like a better person, they have such a radiant energy around them that it's hard to feel blue in their presence. I think chilling with them made me realize what I want to change about the friendships I have at the moment.
I have good friends, I am lucky that the ones who know me best, know that I value them. They know me inside and out, and have for years. They've seen me cry or have commented on my lj when I thought no one would listen. They were with me in high school, they're my movie buddies. They know what I let slide and what I do not stand for. They know my skills and my weaknesses and they know that I'm aware of them as well.
In my mind, I see those people in my house. I see myself having them over for Sunday brunch in the backyard, or maybe one or two of them over for a movie and Junk food.
I suppose all that matters is that I know who they are, and they know that I feel like that about them. The rest, whatever their ideas might be, will find out soon enough.
It's starts off with the place you live in, the color of the walls, the things you have in each room.
One thing that I like to do is figure out who comes to visit me, who calls me, whether or not I live alone. I've started to wonder about how much this says about the people I value and who I feel values me.
Back home over the winter I got to see two of my friends who because of circumstance I am rarely able to get in contact with. However in each relationship we make the effort to find sometime to get together, whether it be for coffee, dinner, wandering around the mall...if there's a minute of time we'll find a way to squeeze the other in. When I am with them I feel like a better person, they have such a radiant energy around them that it's hard to feel blue in their presence. I think chilling with them made me realize what I want to change about the friendships I have at the moment.
I have good friends, I am lucky that the ones who know me best, know that I value them. They know me inside and out, and have for years. They've seen me cry or have commented on my lj when I thought no one would listen. They were with me in high school, they're my movie buddies. They know what I let slide and what I do not stand for. They know my skills and my weaknesses and they know that I'm aware of them as well.
In my mind, I see those people in my house. I see myself having them over for Sunday brunch in the backyard, or maybe one or two of them over for a movie and Junk food.
I suppose all that matters is that I know who they are, and they know that I feel like that about them. The rest, whatever their ideas might be, will find out soon enough.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Knowing me, knowing you
A few years ago I received an email with the message "people always come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." I've always felt this is true, and I remember who I associated that statement with at the time (and I'm still trying to figure out that reason). Lately I've been thinking how do we know who is supposed to be in our lives and who isn't? It's no longer a simple thing of them moving away, or losing touch. Our society is now set up so we can know what our friends are doing 24/7. So who's really our friend? Is it the person who comments on our myspace/facebook page once or twice a month (or every three months)? Is it the one who sends us the weekly update via email but yet we have no emotional connection?
Recent events have but this on my mind. Are we keeping people in our lives who don't really belong there, because of technology? Does the Internet create a false sense of intimacy with people?
I'm not talking about people we meet over the net; some of the people who know my most personal thoughts are people I met over the net. Some of them know me better than people who I was friends with and saw on a daily basis.
I suppose that's the other thing, there are people we can see practically everyday of our lives, who are our "friends" and yet they don't really know who we are. Is it because we hide our true selves or aspects of ourselves from them? If so, why? Are we afraid that they won't understand that part of us and in turn may reject us? Or is it really none of their business? Are they friends on a need to know basis, and if so are those people really our friends?
The last couple of months I've run into people who consider me to be a friend, but really I'm not. I'm a friend to them when it's convenient for them to have me in their lives, which is fine if we can both be up front about. If we know that neither of us is really gonna make the effort to keep in contact, except when we have time then we know we can't be upset when certain events don't make it into that monthly update.
The friend of convenience is different from those who are able to come in and out of your lives. There's no "you're my friend now because____" undertone. Over winter break I met with one of my friends Ms. G and we talked about how you can be close with someone and then down the line you don't know how to operate around them. You can no longer be open about what you think, who you are, and how you feel about them. That's a sad situation, but it happens, and so do we let them go?
On the other hand some people can come in and out of your life and it's like they were never gone. We (Ms. G and I) are those people to each other. I went three years unable to get a hold of her (and vice versa), and then one day things fell into place and we met up. Ever since then we've known we can come and go physically from each others world, but if one of us needs the other one, we'll be there in a heartbeat (whether or not it's convenient). She is definitely a keeper.
So what kind of people do we want for friends? How can we root out the acquaintances who feel they "know" us because they once did, however many years ago?
I think it comes down to who encourages us to be a better person and who wants to actively participate in our life and watch us grow. The lifetime friends will let their presence be known. But the others, the reason, and the season, maybe we should let them go once their time is done...just maybe.
Recent events have but this on my mind. Are we keeping people in our lives who don't really belong there, because of technology? Does the Internet create a false sense of intimacy with people?
I'm not talking about people we meet over the net; some of the people who know my most personal thoughts are people I met over the net. Some of them know me better than people who I was friends with and saw on a daily basis.
I suppose that's the other thing, there are people we can see practically everyday of our lives, who are our "friends" and yet they don't really know who we are. Is it because we hide our true selves or aspects of ourselves from them? If so, why? Are we afraid that they won't understand that part of us and in turn may reject us? Or is it really none of their business? Are they friends on a need to know basis, and if so are those people really our friends?
The last couple of months I've run into people who consider me to be a friend, but really I'm not. I'm a friend to them when it's convenient for them to have me in their lives, which is fine if we can both be up front about. If we know that neither of us is really gonna make the effort to keep in contact, except when we have time then we know we can't be upset when certain events don't make it into that monthly update.
The friend of convenience is different from those who are able to come in and out of your lives. There's no "you're my friend now because____" undertone. Over winter break I met with one of my friends Ms. G and we talked about how you can be close with someone and then down the line you don't know how to operate around them. You can no longer be open about what you think, who you are, and how you feel about them. That's a sad situation, but it happens, and so do we let them go?
On the other hand some people can come in and out of your life and it's like they were never gone. We (Ms. G and I) are those people to each other. I went three years unable to get a hold of her (and vice versa), and then one day things fell into place and we met up. Ever since then we've known we can come and go physically from each others world, but if one of us needs the other one, we'll be there in a heartbeat (whether or not it's convenient). She is definitely a keeper.
So what kind of people do we want for friends? How can we root out the acquaintances who feel they "know" us because they once did, however many years ago?
I think it comes down to who encourages us to be a better person and who wants to actively participate in our life and watch us grow. The lifetime friends will let their presence be known. But the others, the reason, and the season, maybe we should let them go once their time is done...just maybe.
Friday, December 19, 2008
"I think you have a problem with your brain being missing."
Amy Pohler and Seth Meyers have a segment on Weekend Update known as "The Really?!" segment. At various points the past month I have had my own version of that segment running through my head.
Here's the thing, I have an amazing memory. I know all the contradictions people make, I note them when they're happening. Each time one springs up, my very own Seth and Amy appear shouting "REALLY!?"
Yes, really Seth and Amy, it has come to this. It has come to the mental note making of things that I never thought I would need. The absurdities that have transformed throughout are curious. I wonder though if people are aware of such contractions. Are most people even somewhat self aware these days? I find that's a rare quality for a person to possess. Introspection is a beautiful thing.
Here's the thing, I have an amazing memory. I know all the contradictions people make, I note them when they're happening. Each time one springs up, my very own Seth and Amy appear shouting "REALLY!?"
Yes, really Seth and Amy, it has come to this. It has come to the mental note making of things that I never thought I would need. The absurdities that have transformed throughout are curious. I wonder though if people are aware of such contractions. Are most people even somewhat self aware these days? I find that's a rare quality for a person to possess. Introspection is a beautiful thing.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
"You think you know who you are...you haven't even begun."
The people on the televisionwithoutpity boards are reviewing the "no holds barred" interview with Britney Spears. The consensus seems to be that at the age of 27 she is unable to take responsibility for her actions and continues to blame others. Understandably being the family's cash cow has contributed to this issue, but I started wondering, when do people stop taking responsibility for their actions and instead are oh so willing to point the finger at anyone but themselves?
I know at times I have been quick to find someone else to blame for problems, and I will probably do it again. Lately I have been thinking of a quote my mother used to constantly repeat in my adolescence, "when you blame others, you give up the power to change." Four years safely distanced from my teenaged self I can most definitely say I agree with this, however I start wonder about people who have a fear of change. I think back to Buffy Becoming (part 1) when Whistler states, "no one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does." There are times when I can identify with this idea, because I actually look forward to finding a routine once my life has been interrupted. At the same time there have been moments when I have willingly plotted out how I wanted my life to transform and took steps towards making that leap.
But I digress; I can't help but feel that perhaps this whole fear of change leads us to blame others. Maybe we aren't really ready to see the changes in ourselves; maybe we're afraid to get to know who we really are without an identifying factor in our lives. If this is true, are we so willing to be so unaware of who we really are? Perhaps, we will never be comfortable with our weaknesses and misguided judgments and find it easier to look elsewhere. Even when we see ourselves as victims in situations, is it possible that we found something that we didn't like, and might have in fact disturbed us? Are we ever really blameless? Maybe it doesn't really matter if we are.
In the end Whistler is right, those "moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are." So who are we?
I know at times I have been quick to find someone else to blame for problems, and I will probably do it again. Lately I have been thinking of a quote my mother used to constantly repeat in my adolescence, "when you blame others, you give up the power to change." Four years safely distanced from my teenaged self I can most definitely say I agree with this, however I start wonder about people who have a fear of change. I think back to Buffy Becoming (part 1) when Whistler states, "no one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does." There are times when I can identify with this idea, because I actually look forward to finding a routine once my life has been interrupted. At the same time there have been moments when I have willingly plotted out how I wanted my life to transform and took steps towards making that leap.
But I digress; I can't help but feel that perhaps this whole fear of change leads us to blame others. Maybe we aren't really ready to see the changes in ourselves; maybe we're afraid to get to know who we really are without an identifying factor in our lives. If this is true, are we so willing to be so unaware of who we really are? Perhaps, we will never be comfortable with our weaknesses and misguided judgments and find it easier to look elsewhere. Even when we see ourselves as victims in situations, is it possible that we found something that we didn't like, and might have in fact disturbed us? Are we ever really blameless? Maybe it doesn't really matter if we are.
In the end Whistler is right, those "moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are." So who are we?
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