I was looking through my Myspace blog last week when I came across this post from over a year ago.
Rock Steady
It's never gonna last
It's never gonna make it back alive
So now can we relax?
I really hope that we will actually survive
I should be used to things popping up when I need them to, like this song. The first 3 lines describe how I feel about a certain issue with a friend. I use the term friend loosely as I haven't seen her for 2.5 years and our communication has been limited, until recently when drama involving the both of us emerged. At the moment I feel that perhaps it isn't worth trying to work things out. Maybe some day down the line, once things have settled we'll be able to salvage things or start a new friendship really. But I feel like we both don't really want to make the effort and given circumstances that maybe it would be best if we don't. I'm not saying cutting ties completely, but why try to create a facade that suggests everything is ok? Why try to sweep something under the rug when you know it will still be there waiting for an inopportune time to emerge?
The only option is to rebuild what's left and not try to hide all that's wrong. I don't think either of us is in a situation to start rebuilding things. So the acknowledgment that things are on hold and that our friendship as it was is indeed over would I think be the best thing to do. Then maybe we could "relax".
I've been debating how I feel about the last line. I do think in our own ways we will "survive" this. I can't deny anything that has happened, so that will not be my route, nor would it be my choice if I had it. Lesson learned and now it's time to move on. I'm not sure what she will do. I've been asking myself do I want any remnant of what we once had to survive so that perhaps one day we can be friends. The truth is, I'm not sure. I suppose only time will tell.
It's funny to look at it now and know how things ended. Once upon a time there was a part of me that was really questioning letting this friendship go. Early in the friendship I had thought she had the potential to be a ride or die friend. But even back then there were signs that everything was about words and no follow through. Say what looks good in the situation, but never actually have someone's back. She's a fan girl kind of friend. If you're a fan of hers she'll be a fan of yours, and at the end of the day that's not really a friend. Friendships come with arguments and it's about pushing through those to get to a better place.
It's weird to be out of the situation and still be able to watch how she treats the people we're both connected to. The friends she's false with, the ones she doesn't appreciate. Ultimately the best decision was to let the friendship not survive.
